Thursday, November 13, 2008

Big Balled Salesmen

Basic logic tends to be thrown out the window when making purchases here.

We’ll start with a dinner I had at the “Golden Fork” restaurant.  After perusing the menu, I placed my order.

“I'll have the hot and sour soup, and the New York Steak.”
“And then?”
“Um, that’s all.”
“Nothing else?
“What else?  How much do you think I can freakin eat!?”
“So that’s it then, sir?” She gave me a look like "You big woose"
“Fine, if you want to bring me something else get me a doggy bag so I can take half of it home.”

A few days later I went to buy a power cord for my external hard drive.  I went to a small hole in the wall electronics shop and found the cord.  It was $5.  As I was checking out at the register the man actually asked me (and I'm not making this up!):  “Would you like a laptop with that?”

Would I like a laptop with my $5 cord?! Well sure!!! I mean its only 300x the price of the item I’m purchasing, why the hell not!?  This is like going to a Toyota dealership to buy some floor mats and the dealer asking “Would you like a Camry with your floor mats?”

Marina Mall

I was thinking about buying a watch.  As an engineer, when I buy fashion accessory items I buy the cheapest possible thing that gets the job done.  Thats called efficiency, and efficiency is like crack to engineers.  Anyway, I needed a small silver device that sits on my wrist and tells me the time.  I figured I could get a pretty decent one for $100.  After all, I bought a “Rolex” in Malaysia for like 4 bucks.

I went to Marina Mall and stopped at the watch kiosk to check out the watches on sale.  He showed me a nice watch that was on sale.  I kind of liked it, but I didn’t love it.  Turns out it was a $2,000 watch!  To buy a watch with a comma in the price, I would need to more than love it; I should want to sodomize it (however that works... but you get my drift).  I politely said “No thank you sir, I’m not really in the market for a financial-kick-in-the-balls time piece at the moment.  Besides, I can do what that overpriced thing can for free.”

He was intrigued, “Really?”

So I cockily asked my friend “Hey do you have the time?”

She quipped “Yeah, time for you to buy that watch.” 

I was pissed! Not to mention shocked with the quickness, “You ruined my plan, damnit!!”

The salesman, totally pleased with the proceedings, smugly asked “So shall I wrap this up for you?”

“Its going to be wrapped in your colon if you don’t shut the hell up.”


Marina Mall

There is a devious marketing trend going on in the Marina Mall.  They set up kiosks all over the place selling a wide variety of things and stock them with the most beautiful girls in Abu Dhabi (truly, they are unique geniuses who thought of this plot).  Naturally, you see many men wandering to them to see what they’re selling.  And let me tell you, men will fake interest in anything these girls are selling just to get a chance to talk with them.

“That’s a fascinating device, what does it do? Oh a testicular torture device?  Tell me more.”

“What you got there? Lehman brothers stock? I’ll take a thousands shares!”

I’m not exempt from this either.  A Lebanese girl pulled me into a real estate kiosk.  She explained the options:

“This 2 bedroom flat on the 30th floor is going for 1.5 million, but the 3 bedroom is only 1.75 million so it’s a much better deal.”

Rather than going “Holy shit!” and spitting my coffee all over her, I played it cool, “Hmm, well it looks good to me…  Let me get in touch with my accountant, Mr. Rosan…berg…stein and I’ll get back to you.” I figured if I had a Jewish accountant that meant I was successfull...  No sale.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Cleaning Soap

I’ve always been easily disgusted, but I had an incident that made me realize I may be starting down a slippery slope toward OCD.  The bathrooms offshore are, for lack of a better word, compact.  (A realtor would call it “cozy”)  The shower is on one side, and the toilet is on the other (A whole 1.5 feet away).  There is no shower curtain, so the bathroom floor has a drain in the middle because if you can imagine everything gets wet.  The entire bathroom is essentially the shower.

Well one day I dropped the soap.  Let me stop you right there before your mind wanders– it’s a private bathroom.  The problem with this particular soap dropping incident was that the soap landed right in front of the toilet.  Given that this bathroom has been used by many men before me, and the front of the toilet being the most likely place for drippage (aka dribbleage) to occur, (and also that I’m pretty sure I once saw the maid scrubbing the floor with the toilet brush) I wasn’t about to take any risks…

So I did what any OCD person would do – I washed the bar of soap.  This seems fundamentally impossible (not to mention ridiculous). Can a bar of soap even get dirty? And how do you clean a cleaning agent? Simple! 
With Comet. Comet cleans everything - even other soaps.  Comet could even clean Kevin Federlines nasty ass.  

So there I was, scrubbing my soap with Comet until I felt safe enough to use it again.  I eventually scrapped off an entire layer before I deemed it worthy to touch my arm pits.

I should note that I was covered in grease and the liquified remains of dinosaurs that hasn't seen the earths surface in over 150 million years, but none of that compares to human bodily fluids.  Gross.